Letting Go Of A Good Dream

Part of my heart hurts to write this. The other part of it feels free.

Since I could form a coherent sentence I have confidently told every person who would listen that I was going to law school when I got older. It became part of my identity - "Hi my name is Mary! I like summer and country music and oh, I am going to law school!" Of course, as I got older the dream started to become more than that, it shifted to a reality.

I spent all of high school taking every AP class I could, building my GPA to be the highest it could be, and preparing myself for this milestone. Not once did it cross my mind to consider anything else, but that's because I love law! I have a passion for justice, and I like to credit that to being made in the image of a just God (Isaiah 61:8). I also love public speaking, and the thought of having a courtroom balance on the edge of their seats clinging to every prepared word slipping from my tongue was exhilarating. So the process continued into college.

I kept my GPA high, I took business law classes, I even added a legal studies minor. All with great joy and anticipation. There was no question that I was created for this. I was fortunate enough to cross paths with a professor who took a great investment in me, even keeping in touch after I had finished his courses to check on my law school progress (despite the fact that he encouraged me not to go to law school and devote my energy to business). He went out of his way to write a letter to my top school, ironically the school he got his JD from, and he let me know that there was no doubt that "I was in."

And I was :)

I received a partial scholarship to the only law school in the world I wanted to be at. I can't describe the pride and joy that burst from me when I got the phone call. Tears flowed from my eyes like a dam breaking from tension. I did it. But, despite this incredible gift, I would later turn it down with a heavy - but confident - heart.

I mentioned in passing the idea of going to graduate school to get my master's degree and LPC in counseling. My precious mother, a woman who has supported me like no other, took that passing thought and put some muscle behind it. She researched schools, prices, jobs, and everything needed for me to dive into this new path. My sweet dad drove me all the way to Virginia to visit a possible school, all on a whim that this might replace my original dream. I won't sugarcoat it, partially because most of you reading it already know, but I cried so much. For months I didn't know what God wanted from me.

The hard part was knowing that both options were good - great even - and there was no morally wrong answer. It was just up to me. As an indecisive person, this was my worst nightmare. I wanted God to speak from the heavens and say "Mary! You need to do ____!" But that's not how the Father works. Because that does not require faith. So I kept praying, I kept seeking advice, and finally, after many painful months, I made a decision.

I picked counseling over law. There's so much detail I could give you on my thought process and personal convictions, but I won't bore you with it. What I will share with you is the freedom of letting go.

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Not every dream needs to be let go of - but no legitimate dream is an easy one. And an important thing to remember is the Lord cares about our dreams! God knew how much I loved law and wanted to be an attorney, but more than that He knew the spiritual gifts He had given me and knew this path would use them better for His glory.

Part of my hesitation to let go was pride. I worked for 20+ years for that phone call, I spent thousands of dollars, I took the LSAT not once but twice (geez....), and yet I was still willing to give it all up for something I had never considered until now.

Don't let the fear of what people might say keep you from your purpose. Don't let fear of failure make you scared to change direction. One thing I have learned through all of this is that whether I would have chosen law school or grad school, God would have loved me and been right by my side on either path.

You don't have to cling to something just because "that's how it's always been."

Relationships, habits, dreams, toxic family, etc. - whatever your constant has been, good or bad, don't let it hinder you from growth or positive change. The sentence "but that's how it's always been" or "that's what I always said I was going to do" can be a dangerous one.

Let me reiterate. This is not a plea to get you to drop the dream you've worked so hard for, not at all. Keep working towards it! But work towards it with an open palm as opposed to a clenched fist to allow God to work in your process, no matter what that means.

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I started this blog months ago, and I finish writing it on my last day as an undergrad student. I officially start graduate school in August and am expectant of what God has in store for me. I have no idea what lies before me but I know the Lord is already there, and I know He's walking beside me the whole way. Thank you to everyone who has been with me through the last few years of crazy change. The community around me is undoubtedly heaven-sent.

With love,

Mary

Proverbs 16:9

Jeremiah 29:11